Friday, December 5, 2008

Ready to Take a Chance Again

‘I think it's time that I let you go. And it's really hard for me to do because I know that there's a part of me that will be in love with you for the rest of my life.’
~Dawson's Creek~

I finally did it yesterday. It was like the toughest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I can feel my heart breaking. So I made an error in judgement, I forgave myself. Hey, I've made much worse mistake than this. At least, I didn't fall in love with a Vampire and risk everything like that girl in 'Twilight' (the book my teenage cousin is reading):p. In fact, when my ex-roommate first told me Mr Designer was not good enough for me only 6 weeks ago, I didn't even have a clue as to what she was talking about. She told me to take time to get to know him, but don’t take too long. Is 3.5 months short enough? This whole episode felt like a marathon to me. She was right, a 40-year old doesn’t just wakes one day and decides to change. I pity his ex-fiance who invested 5 years in him.

It all started when I caught a friend's sad status on facebook yesterday morning. So, I did a google search on 'moving on' quotes to share with her. I found a good one – ‘Letting go isn't about giving up. It's about accepting that there are things that cannot be.’ I decided to put it on my status box instead. Anyway, she saw it and commented that it was very well said. Another friend who had just gotten a divorce associates well with it too. I’d also been listening to Barry Manilow songs on Youtube. Somehow, I got hooked onto 'Ready to take a chance again' and listened to it repeatedly. Man, it worked like a therapy. Then, I saw Lenzaidi's comment for my previous entry, and somehow the whole big picture just clicked.

...And I'm ready to take a chance again
Ready to put my love on the line with you
Been livin' with nothing for show for it
You get what you get when you go for it
And I'm ready to take a chance again with you~

Mr Designer came to see me on business yesterday afternoon. He requested to delay our meeting by 1 hour, but still arrived 30 minutes late, that was like a record for him - his earliest ever. We met at the cafe at my office's building, he chose an isolated area that we'd never been to before. We sat facing each other. I waited quietly and patiently for him to touch up his design on his Mac. He was unusually calm. Not only he was 24 hours behind deadline, he wasn't even done yet. I smsed his partner who was away outstation. He apologised and asked me to leave in 15 minutes if the design was still not done.

Surprisingly, I told him it was ok. I'd just continue chatting nicely with him. I had a feeling that that would be the last time we met under such capacity and I wanted it to be pleasant. I continued talking about my stories. Then, I showed him the Statement of Plans I made for the Stegner fellowship submission. He was impressed and wished me luck. I got carried away and started sharing my holiday plans for January - we ran through a list of possible countries. I even told him about my parents plan to go for Haj for the third time in 2010, and they’ve asked me to go along again, Insyaallah. I also showed him the schedule for the design software courses that I found online. He seemed surprised that I was actually serious about learning how to use it. When he sent me home, I shared interesting developments about my unique friends from boarding school.

He was alert and more responsive too. It felt like the first few dates that we had, those were memorable. Why? Because I was doing most of the talking, and he only listened. The trouble is that I'm not the type of person who likes hearing herself talk. I don't think he was reluctant to share, but rather he really didn't have much to share. The problem started when I tried to make him talk and unveil, probed him with questions that he either found personal or exhausting. Hey I’m a creative right brain person. It’s not like I pressured him into giving views on serious world issues, only on light topics, okay. Hmm... that would be the last time I wish for a man who listens to me... the saying goes - 'be careful what you wish for'. LOL!

I still remember… 3 days after we started clicking and on our first real date, he told me that he really enjoyed my company. He had never become close to anyone that quickly. He said he learned a lot in a short period of time; his mind didn’t just remain dormant. At that time, I could feel all sorts of emotions coming from him, and he was struggling for the right words.

Sad... but initially, I thought that he had so much potential, personally and professionally. I really believed in him, in us. But every time I moved, I kept on hitting dead ends in both areas. I am so tired of bumping into walls. The very instance I sms his partner, I knew. I was ready to let him go, at last. I felt very relieved after making that decision. His partner said it was like the final chapter of a novel. Yeah, except that I better make sure there is no spin off.

I didn't have to share my decision with him. Only 3 days ago, he told me clearly that he didn't want a relationship at the time being. Only time would tell. All his life, he was always in a relationship. He needed a break, freedom without having to answer to anyone. I guess he had been hinting that all along, but I wasn't really listening. Perhaps I was in denial. Cut me some slack, he misheard my most crucial question during our first date. He told me that he broke off with his fiance 1.5 years ago, but actually it was only a week before we met. They were engaged for 1.5 years. Because of that error, I let my guard down. By the time I found out, it was already too late. I had already let him into my heart.

Forming a relationship with Mr Designer was like swimming in shallow water. Not only there wasn't much to explore, I couldn't go very far either. I've never been involved with a man like that before. He was like the star quarterback whom I happened to catch at his most vulnerable moment. I reckoned that I didn't miss much, but it was an enriching experience altogether. Hey, I took a chance with him. I put in everything I got and at the expense of quite a few others too. I jeopardised my job, my health, my peace of my mind. But it didn't work out, he wasn’t ready. It’s not just the wrong time, but also the wrong guy. Now... I'm ready to move on and take a chance again... with someone else.

I guess I won't be meeting up with him much on work anymore. I’m just waiting for his partner to return from outstation to discuss transition plans. The next time we work closely will be when he designs my book cover at the end of January. Yeah, his partner said I should still let him do it. It would create a lifetime memory, something for both of us to remember each other by. Whoever said that a fiction writer and an artist are a matchmake in heaven.

Last night, I forwarded him the Happy World Best Friends' Day wish through sms; he immediately returned the wish to me. We will always be friends, that I know. Even after we had that 'big talk' argument in his car 3 days ago, he teased me on the phone later that night. 'Apa la you ni, relax laa you...'

Yeah, we are still friends... just no hope, no expectation and no future together…

p/s: I’ve fallen heads over heels with this guy. There will definitely be many more teary days ahead. This entry serves to remind me how difficult it was for me to let him go… and how hard I tried. I didn’t give up easily.


lenzaidi said...

You know Hazia,it aint something that hes done bad that would wreck your heart,it aint something that he betrays your trust.It really aint something that he committed so big that you have to break up the relationship.

Its all about him,and him and his being! Hes practically just not there, not opening any single door of his heart.Hes looking for his poor soul, an element common to after difficult relationship.No amount of time would heal this guy.Hes got to pick up the pieces himself.(Gawd, like i read his mind )

In marriage things that go like this with your other half would not end up this way.Because each will be supplementing to each other faults and flaws so its a two way commitments.

Bravo to you and dont take too long to nurse the bruises.Get a good weekend,woman.

Kak Elle said...

Time will heal...and he has made it clear he doesn't want to go into relationship for now but again if he's yours to keep he'll come back to you again one day.

take care,

Kak Teh said...

Hazia, hopefully the pain will be less and less with each passing day. Hey, at least you are still friends, right?

pugly said...

I guess deep down inside, you know what's the answer, even back then. But I suppose it's normal to be in a bit of 'denial' about it - we're only human. Sometimes, we only see what we want to see, even though nothing's there in the first place.

lenzaidi said...

*complementing to each other... :-)

Hazia said...

Yeah, doesn't seem like he'll ever progress or get over anything. Surprisingly, nursing those bruises didn't take a day. I think I see things much clearer now. And being just friends with him may be even more fun, and stress-free too:)

Hazia said...

Kak Teh,
It's a move that I made when I'm really ready, and we are still friends. So, I reckon healing doesn't take much time. If he'd been suddenly yanked away from me & we'd had no further contact - like Ad - whoa, that would have hurt like hell, and it'd take ages for me to recover.

Hazia said...

Kak Elle,
I'm a fan of 'If you love someone, let him go. If he comes back, he's yours. If he doesn't, he never was.' But in this case, I think I better not hold on to that saying, LOL!

Hazia said...

Probably, I've subconsiously sensed that from the very beginning. Hence, I named his category of entries as 'Mirage':)