Close but No More than Friends

'When there is no hope, there is no hurt.'

~Hazia~

For a start, hope I hadn't hijacked some dead person's quote as above and claimed it my own. LOL! It's something I discovered yesterday. Yeah, the whole Friday morning was touchy. Thank God my staff was on leave and the office was quiet. I was practically in tears most of the time, except during the 2-hour division meeting. I initially thought that my healing process can be sped up if I don't communicate with Mr Designer for a while. I was so wrong.

I hadn't planned on talking to him at all yesterday. Unfortunately, he owed me a design which he was supposed to email the previous night. When we met the day before, he was supposed to save it in my thumbdrive but he had absent-mindedly switched off his Mac. He said he was lazy to switch it back on and would email me from his printer's place after that. I had to revert on the text yesterday itself.

At 12.00pm, I smsed his partner who was away outstation for help. I told him that I really, really didn't want to talk to the guy. And they better make sure I won't have to work during the long weekend. His partner asked me to cool off and he'll follow up for me after Friday prayers. Yeah, Mr Designer had made my blood boils practically every morning lately with his tardiness. When I exploded, it'd spoil his partner's mornings as well. I felt bad, I even apologised first yesterday. Hell, no client ever did that when it was their agency who actually screwed up.

He chased the guy. Just my luck, Mr Designer would rather call me than his partner. That explained why I always got panic attacks, he couldn't understand client servicing dos and don'ts. So, he called me. If it hadn't been work-related, I wouldn't have picked it up. He asked me whether I had eaten and was I busy, etc, etc. Then, he asked why was my voice different. Hmm... he wasn't as 'duh' as I thought. So, I took a deep breath and tried to sound cheerful. I asked if he had eaten, it was already 3.30pm. He hadn't. He had to call me back a few times to make sure that the file get through. He asked why didn't my ringtone come out. He casually mentioned again that he still hadn't eaten, and again. Oh! Normally, that'd trigger a lecture from me on taking care of his health, etc. He noticed that too. I started to relax and joked if he was fasting or... if he wanted to eat with me. Nah, too far, he was at his friend's studio.

That's another thing. His partner was away and he didn't bother turning up at the office. He is being paid on a fixed monthly salary and yet, he acts as if he's freelancing. Starting on Monday, he was supposed to be under their senior partner's military supervision, which includes being in the office from 9.30am onwards. Let me make a correction, their partnership deal had not come through yet. He was still being tested. And he's still a paid employee. Not only he gets a substantial monthly salary, his partner has kindly advanced his 2nd month salary as well. He pitied him. And that makes his partner his boss.

He didn't even tell the guy that he'd be joining his family island holiday for 2 weeks at the end of the year, let alone seek his permission. He claimed that he'd be bringing his laptop and he'd still be reachable. Yeah, but it will be exhausting to communicate and instruct him over the phone or email. I would know that.

Asking him to make changes to the text was as painstaking as always. The flow charts were too much for him. Despite wanting to change only 1/3 of it, I had to slowly go through the whole thing 3 times. It took more energy to manage him alone than to manage my 4 staffs. Briefing him was like briefing a fresh graduate, it was so texting.

The funny thing was that he was really chatty yesterday, he sounded very cheerful. He said he'd enough sleep. Perhaps because his partner was away too. So, I tried to dig as much info as possible about his other work commitments. If his partner is going to confront him next week, he better has his facts right. No point accusing in the dark. He is still working on a transition plan, or if it comes to it, a separation plan. As much as I care about Mr Designer, I think he's being gravely unfair to his partner.

Anyway, I mentioned my writers' forum today to him where I'd be reading a story. He teased me about not inviting him. I told him I didn't see the point since he won't show up anyway. He said he had to send his son to a football game. I said well, if it's not football, then it something else. I also realized something. When I don't hope for anything from him, it doesn't hurt anymore. No expectation equals to no pain.

I also saw another thing. He wants to be close to me but he doesn't want a relationship. That was where the confusion arose. Now that the pressure is off, I won't be surprise if we become even closer than before. And I have to be careful not to fall for him again. He's the wrong guy at the wrong time. I should do a solat syukur and thank God for getting me out before it is too late.

Interesting that a reader mentioned marriage in my previous entry. I mean I wouldn't want to be married to this guy. For a start, there's no telling how late he'd be for the solemnization of vows and the wedding itself. It will be a disastrous beginning to a bad marriage. Bear in mind that he was 45 minutes late in sending me to the airport in early Ramadan. He fell asleep after I called him, imagine. My heart nearly stopped beating for fear of missing my flight.

The conclusion is that I am glad that we had several long conversations over the phone yesterday. It gave me a clear perspective of everything. And no, there hasn't been any more tears ever since:)