Thursday, October 23, 2008

Que Sera Sera

When I grew up and fell in love,
I asked my sweetheart, "What lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?"
Here's what my sweetheart said...

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

Song: Que Sera Sera
Singer: Doris Day

Gosh, I didn't have time to update since my last entry. No, I didn't send him the letter. Nothing stops him from reading my blog though, except that he doesn't dare. He's too scared to know what goes on in my head. Okay, things are sort of back to normal and yeah, I learnt a lot more about Mr Designer.

Actually, later that night, he and I talked a bit before his battery konked out. I asked him why couldn't we just let it be and be happy. I didn't want to be sad. He agreed, we're cool and life is too short to dwell on sad things.

Just now, he came to see me, partially on business. We talked some more and 'Que Sera Sera' was what he said. Yeah, I told him whatever happens happens. Everything has been written. If something is not meant to be, no matter how hard we try, it won't happen. Likewise, whatever is fated, regardless of how we try to avoid it, it will happen. With this guy, I've already decided to just enjoy the journey. I don't want to bother about the destination.

This morning, I spoke to his business partner. He knows what I know, but his perspective is different. He seems to think that Mr Designer is finally living in the real world and for the first time, he is free. It kind of reminds me of Rachel Green in 'Friends'. I've got to be careful though, he reads too much into what Mr Designer says, and his assumption may be off. Wherelse, I, take his words at face value, I don't know him that well yet.

He told me that he did pressure the guy hard, they have figures to meet, if not they don't eat. That's the norm of running your own business. But he's sounding like a robot, as if he was trying to block off everything, including feelings and relationships, which he thought would interfere with his job. His partner is actually a healthy influence, a businessman who does his best to balance his work and family. I think this is just a stage, he's just starting off and he's going to need several months to adapt and settle down. I won't get in his way, in fact I'd help him wherever I could. His partner said what I did was beyond helping, he really appreciate it. Helping him means picking up new skills, discovering slightly unfamiliar territory. It would take me far. And yeah, the 3 of us makes a good team, business wise, an ideal combination of talents and personalities. His partner and I had to admit that he is very matured in terms of industry knowledge, really street smart:)

I've said this before. We met each other at very different stages of our lives. He had been having fun and partying like a teenager for years. Now, at 40, he realised that he has not achieved anything significant and would like to make up for those lost years. I, on the other hand, have always been focused. I've achieved many of my goals and now at 36, am tired and burnt out. I just want to chill and take it easily.

What triggered my previous entry's drama in the first place? He was reluctant to celebrate my birthday with me, the no car excuse. His return cab fare to my office is RM30, and he already has financial constraint. Anyway, suddenly his new car arrived later that night and everything became easy? Well, I don't drive. I didn't know having a car was going to have such an effect on his decisions. Birthday is a once a year occasion - it's a major screw up. That was his first. I'll allow 2 more. I'm also giving myself some time to get to know him better.

Experience also showed that whenever I 'merajuk', we'll meet up more often for a while. He has a tendency to blurt out things he doesn't mean when under pressure, which I discovered recently on a work-related matter. He nearly lost $$$ over that. In fact, he told me if I couldn't maintain objectivity and was not satisfied with his work, I could go ahead and use another supplier. He was already 80% done at that time, imagine. His partner squirmed and asked me not to take his words seriously, he was tensed and lacked sleep.

We're celebrating my birthday a few days later. The actual date clashes with a weekend trip he's taking with his 2 kids, and ex-wife. Apparently, she asked him to drive them to JB to see her relatives and he looked forward to spending time with the little ones. If she has not been engaged, that would have worried me, a little.

He always says that his ex-wife is a very nice person. Since they have a good relationship and it's over with his ex-fiance, why not get back together? He babysits their kids most Saturdays when she dates. She has been paying his stock market debt since 1998 and she does not earn that much either. That is unlike his wealthy fiance, who supported him for 1.5 years when he was not working and wouldn't let him work.

Then, came another shocker. He said many people asked him why they didn't remarry but unfortunately, they couldn't do that. He had 'lafaz cerai' (divorced her) 3 times already, that was 5 years ago after being married for 7 years. They got back a few months later and separated again, and again. Whoa! Anyway, reconciling may be good for him but he didn't think she would want it. I asked about her fiance, must be a strong and matured character like her, but he wouldn't comment.

And lesson for me: never have serious discussion with him over the phone when he is staring at his laptop and rushing for deadlines:)


pugly said...


All I can say is: Love Hurts

Such is the nature of all things that involve passion.

Glad to know that things are back on track. One step at a time, baby, one step at a time.

U.Lee said...

Hello Hazia, one will never know true happiness until one has truly loved. And one will never understand what pain really is until one has lost it.

Here's hoping things will go well for you....and if you'll allow me to say, do sit down have a cup of coffee and think rationally....use a pen and paper if need be, timbang the pros and cons...

Sometimes we have to, or may have to make certain decisions, some will really hurt...
and there's also the saying, 'it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved'.

I understand your circumstances...and wish you well, best regards, Lee.

ku tak sempurna said...

it is possible to give without love... but it is impossible to love without giving...


Hazia said...

Yeap, I'm focusing on the here and now. Penatlah :p

He's at his bro's open house now, he wouldn't bring me. He said it's too complicated, ramai kat sana. His ex-wife would be there too. Nanti banyak yg bertanya & banyak pulak yg kena jawap. LOL!

Hazia said...

Beautiful saying.. worth seeking true happiness ya:)

Good idea on the coffee & pen & paper, helped me make wise decisions over the years, no spoiler. But I think I'm allowed at least 1 potential screw up here, hehe... I know, I know, I'm not old enough to 'relax', but I am tired enough. Is that acceptable? Hehe

Hazia said...

Thanks for visiting. You're absolutely right there:)